You're Tired, I Know
It is not your fault that White people don’t know how to act. It is not your fault that they will lie right to your face. I do not know which space is safe for you, but it is not here. And that is not okay, but it will be. It is not your fault that you stood up for yourself. You are not responsible for them. You do not owe them anything. You are not here because of them, but rather in spite of them. You do not need them. You do not need to worry about them. You do not need to think of them. Anything and everything that I have just said, you CAN do. And if you do, then realize that you are CHOOSING to do so. And that can be fine, too. But you do not have to. And maybe you shouldn’t.
You have been lied to. They claim to stand up for you, to stand up against any hateful crimes. But there is no evidence. There is, however, evidence that they do hate you. There are names, dates, memories, witnesses, and even reports that show that they do not care about your body - but they do not have them, and if they do they will not acknowledge them. And you cannot make them.
You can do as you wish. But I do not hate them. I shall not hate them. I shall not hate. I cannot internalize the hate. They do not think of you in ways in which you could think of them. This is because they do not think of you at all, until they have to. You think of them often, quite often. And that is a choice, and that is toxic. You. Can. Choose. To. Leave. And never look back. I am not saying that it is easy, but I am saying that it is possible if you so choose.
I do not hate them, because to hate them is to have admitted that I have accepted their hate. To hate them is to live in hate, it is to navigate in hate. I do not work with their children. Their grandparents are not my supervisors. And they do not have to be yours either, ever, or at least not forever.
I do not want you to hate them because I want you to love yourself and to love your children. And I am not sure if you can do both as efficiently as you may think. It is hard to flip that switch. And your children do not deserve any short end of any stick. They need all of you, not just what is left over after you hate spent so much energy.
But feel how you feel, and even feel inclined to showcase that or not. I am not against tweeting about it, blocking profiles, making T-Shirts, walking down main streets with signs, or any of the sort. I am saying that they will still hate you, and that you will still hate them, and both will grow. I know you say you don’t care about them but you give more attention to them than your own children sometimes, and that is not fair. I know it may make you feel better, but so does the bottle sometimes. And so does hitting up your ex sometimes. And so does honking at these cars sometimes. And all may not end so well, and I do not believe that these temporary gratitudes will end well either. When the Rialto police killed a 19 year old Brown Man in 2015, I marched without understanding. That day of the march, the police killed another Brown man just a block away. I am not saying that the march killed this man, but I am saying that the killing did not stop. I am not sure what will, but what I cannot have is my children doing as I do and believing in false strides.
You may not know what your answer is, and that is not your fault as well. You can be tired, but not too tired and you know what I mean by that.
Block them. Speak your truth when their name comes up. Hit the gym and think about them if you wish. But you do not have to. And certainly do not let your children believe that they must either. You always have a choice. And so do they.